joe, seattle

A few years ago, while living in NYC, I meet this girl at a bar. She seems pretty nice, good looking and smart. We go out a few times and on the second date, wind up getting pretty trashed and sleeping together. I barely remember what happened except for her telling me she had "The greatest date ever!" This is no joke - I toot my horn often but not here - blackout city. Two bottles of wine at dinner, followed by drinks at some dive bar in the East Village.

We go on a few more dates but no ass. The interesting thing I am starting to pick up is that she never, ever pays or even offers to pay. But my chivalry blinds me to this and I honestly don't mind so I let it pass.

So on a rainy Friday afternoon, she decides to invite herself to my summer house ("Uh, I'd love to get away this weekend - don't you have a house on the beach somewhere?"). I reluctantly say yes - she is beginning to bore me and talks and talks about nothing in particular. I'm working in the city until 5 and she's coming in from CT so we decide to meet at her sister's place in Brooklyn. She makes me wait for 30 mins on a pitch dark street in bushwick. She gets in, I am visibly annoyed, so she clams up for the rest of the drive (about 2 hours in a downpour).

We finally get into town around 8:30, I let her know that most places here close early (we were out eastern LI in the winter) so let's just grab something and bring it back to my house. She's adamant that all she wants is to, "Sit down at a nice restaurant and enjoy dinner." - at which point I let her know that I don't have a lot of cash on me (this was my feeble attempt to see if she would ever pull out her wallet) – she says no problem she can pay for her half. So we walk into this tiny sushi place, empty save for one other couple paying their check. I've worked in the service industry before so I know how annoying it is to keep an entire restaurant open for one couple.

Cognizant that we were most definitely the last people in the joint, I scarf down my food, guzzle my beer and sit there, patiently waiting. She takes her sweet-ass time. Sipping her beer, nibbling at her food – all the while, the wait staff are stacking chairs around us!! I see about 3 waiters at the kitchen door – all arms folded, waiting. I've been there before and am irate at the situation I have been forced into. She finally finishes her beer, we've had the check now for about 20 minutes and get this – she says she HAS NO CASH!

Slyly she asks me to pay and we'll go to an ATM across the way right after. Fine, I just want to get the hell out of this restaurant and never step foot in that place again. We head over to the ATM, she gets out her cash, I hold out my hand like a peddler and she walks right by! Unreal, right? It gets better. Now she wants a nightcap – we head over to a nearby bar, where she proceeds to order this froofy, expensive drink. She makes it point to order first and walks away (seems like she's done this before). I stare her down and order my beer – when the bartender tells me how much it is, I let her know. She turns around abruptly and says,


"I don't have any cash."
I say, "What do you mean? You just took money out at the ATM."
"Oh, that's for tomorrow – I have big plans."
"Well, I don't have any more cash, so I can't get this."
"Can't you use your credit card?"
"Uh, no."


At this point, as you can probably imagine, I am ENRAGED. I chug my beer and wait. She finishes, we go back to my place and all the sex I thought we were gonna have is thrown out the window. I throw her a pillow and let her know where the guest room is. Before she can say anything (she started to) I walk upstairs and shut the bedroom door – sans any type of "goodnight."

The next morning was funny – very awkward, very cold. The first thing I ask is what time her train is departing. She says something like "I thought you said you were driving me home?" I'm very dismissive about all this and mutter something basically letting her know that I may have said that last night but am not feeling well so I can just take you to the train station. We get in the car and now she's begging for me to stop so she can get a coffee and a bagel, "My stomach really hurts, all I want is some food." I tell her it's Sat and that all the deli's are closed (a blatant lie as we pass 3 or 4 deli's with neon OPEN signs!). She calls out a few of them as I fly by at 40 mph – "Oh no, that's not open." Ha ha…..anyway, I break down right in front of the train station, she runs in to get her food and drive her to the LIRR. She gets out of the car and as appears to say something but I didn't stay to listen. Mid-sentence, I reach over, close the door and drive off!