So I met John (can't really remember his name) while I was working at a contractor work event.
He basically chatted about my product and was trying to get free tools from me. He took my card and left in his truck.
Over the next few days he would call with stupid questions about building shit that I am pretty sure he already knew the answer to then would sneak in a personal question.
Are you single?
How old are you?
At this point he asks me out and I cannot remember what he looks like except he is tall.
I say yes, guessing he is mid 30s, he had on sunglasses when we met. We agreed to go out on a Tuesday and he going to pick me up. He shows up, I am wearing a standard 1st date outfit jeans, heels cute top. He is wearing stonewashed tapered jeans and a heather gray Harley Davidson t-shirt. He also is driving a hummer, not the cute H2 kind but the early 90s Terminator style with an American flag on the antenna.
This is looking bad. So we go to a pretty fun restaurant down town and based on the conversation and the stories about what he has done over the years, 19 year old daughter, 15 years with the CIA. I am guessing he is way older than I think. And he is missing 3 fingers on his left hand, they were shot off in an incident. I refuse to ask how old he is even though he keeps telling me how young at heart he is. He was 45 and I was 23 age is only a number, so he said. Stop dating your daughter perv. Dinner ends I'm drunk and uncomfortable. We go for drinks at a the romantic top of the hub. I order vodka and he orders a white Russian. Now John tells me he would like to see more of my chest. I order another drink and ignore him. Next he asks if he can smell me. I now mock him but he keeps asking.
On the way home his hummer breaks down on the highway and we are causing quite the traffic back up. Miraculously he has the appropriate car part and fixes it in the middle of the road. Quite the man's man. When he is done and stinking of car, he sneak leans in and takes a giant sniff of my neck, and make a gross smiley sex face. I think to myself thank god this is almost over. We get to my apt and it time to end this mess, we say our pleasantries.
No kiss goodnight I tripped out of the fuckin hummer and ran for the door. He called and said the "ball was in my court" and not to worry about our age difference. Yes creeper the ball is in my court. I told him I was OK with his age but the body sniffing was my limit.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
D.L., nyc
First blind date in New York...with a nice Greek boy arranged by a relative.
He picked me up from work and we went to a local restaurant but rather than sit at a table, we stayed at the bar. Thirty minutes into the conversation, I desperately wanted to leave as he was about as exciting as wallpaper but being new to NYC and a polite Midwesterner, I stayed. After an hour, he asked if he could take off his jacket (it was August), placed it on the back of the chair and then stuck his arms straight up in the air and proceeded to tell me that 'he'd worn the shirt without the yellow stains just for me'.
I was stunned but still couldn't get up and leave. Out of principal, I wouldn't sit at table with him.
Four long hours later, we left. Two days later, he called my office to arrange another date and a colleague answered the phone. He told him never to call me again. Ugh.
He picked me up from work and we went to a local restaurant but rather than sit at a table, we stayed at the bar. Thirty minutes into the conversation, I desperately wanted to leave as he was about as exciting as wallpaper but being new to NYC and a polite Midwesterner, I stayed. After an hour, he asked if he could take off his jacket (it was August), placed it on the back of the chair and then stuck his arms straight up in the air and proceeded to tell me that 'he'd worn the shirt without the yellow stains just for me'.
I was stunned but still couldn't get up and leave. Out of principal, I wouldn't sit at table with him.
Four long hours later, we left. Two days later, he called my office to arrange another date and a colleague answered the phone. He told him never to call me again. Ugh.
J.R., Chicago
This wholesome boy-next-door story starts right where it should, in a dark bar in Chicago.
I was out with some girlfriends visiting from out of town, we had each drunk our body weight in vodka, and we started talking to these guys. There was one who was tall, cute, and funny as hell- we'll call him "Big E".
When I decided to leave, "Big E" offered to split a cab to make sure I got home. Figuring it was a ploy but down to make out anyway, I said sure. When we got to my place, "Big E" doesn't get out of the cab or try to make a move- instead asks me if I'd go to lunch with him the next day. I was annoyed he didn't want to make out and I figured it was a blow-off, so I gave him my number & said whatever.
Alas, the next day, he calls and asks if I'm still in for lunch. It was a gorgeous day, I was starving, and I still had all of my makeup on from the night before (don't judge me- and for the record, it still looked pretty good!) so I said why not.
"Big E" picks me up in some sort of death trap, still in his clothes from the night before. He is wearing flip flops and starts scratching his foot vigorously- which is problematic, since I hate other people's feet. Even more so when they apparently have a fungus. Then as "Big E" is driving & I'm checking him out to see how thick the vodka goggles had been the night before, I realize... he has braces! Not invisalign, old school metal mouth. Wow. Didn't see that coming at all.
At this point, I'm locked in for a meal, so try to make the most of it. I make small talk, asking what he does for a living. Response: Union Pipe Fitter. ?? I don't even know what that means, but I don't have much time to ponder as he follows with the doozy that he is only doing that until he breaks through on the competitive BMX racing circuit. Dear god.
Now I feel like we've been in the car for an hour, so I ask where we're going for lunch. He mentions he has to drive to Andersonville (about 20+ mins) to drop something off for a friend, and asks if I mind. Mind? We've already been in the car for 15 minutes, so I agree. Then he goes on to say that his friend is a huge pothead and we're returning the bowl she left in his car. Perfect.
After the drop-off, "Big E" promptly finds the cheapest looking place around since he's in the mood for a burger. As we sit across from each other, I'm lulled into a trance by the flashing metal until I hear him say, "Look- I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I have a really big dick." I ask him to repeat himself, b/c I'm sure no guy would say this on a first date and I must have misunderstood. I didn't. I have no idea why this is relevant before we've even kissed, or gotten our coffee/water/coke, for that matter. But it's important b/c he's telling me a story about messing around with a virgin who was hot & cold, and that ultimately it couldn't happen b/c of... um... fit issues. Excellent brunch conversation, where's my grandma when I need her?
Oh, she would have loved the part when he mentioned trying to roofie me so we could mess around after lunch. Clearly I'm dying to get out of there, but on our way home - just to make one final impression - "Big E" decides to do his post-meal oral hygiene routine in the car, right next to me. I don't know what all happened, I squeezed my eyes shut, closed my mouth & turned my head away until he was done. Guess he was hoping to make out when he dropped me off, which I shut down pretty quickly. Didn't stop him from trying - awkwardly, in front of my neighbors who were sitting on our shared stairs - but I finally got him off my sidewalk. Didn't stop getting text messages for about a month, though.
I was out with some girlfriends visiting from out of town, we had each drunk our body weight in vodka, and we started talking to these guys. There was one who was tall, cute, and funny as hell- we'll call him "Big E".
When I decided to leave, "Big E" offered to split a cab to make sure I got home. Figuring it was a ploy but down to make out anyway, I said sure. When we got to my place, "Big E" doesn't get out of the cab or try to make a move- instead asks me if I'd go to lunch with him the next day. I was annoyed he didn't want to make out and I figured it was a blow-off, so I gave him my number & said whatever.
Alas, the next day, he calls and asks if I'm still in for lunch. It was a gorgeous day, I was starving, and I still had all of my makeup on from the night before (don't judge me- and for the record, it still looked pretty good!) so I said why not.
"Big E" picks me up in some sort of death trap, still in his clothes from the night before. He is wearing flip flops and starts scratching his foot vigorously- which is problematic, since I hate other people's feet. Even more so when they apparently have a fungus. Then as "Big E" is driving & I'm checking him out to see how thick the vodka goggles had been the night before, I realize... he has braces! Not invisalign, old school metal mouth. Wow. Didn't see that coming at all.
At this point, I'm locked in for a meal, so try to make the most of it. I make small talk, asking what he does for a living. Response: Union Pipe Fitter. ?? I don't even know what that means, but I don't have much time to ponder as he follows with the doozy that he is only doing that until he breaks through on the competitive BMX racing circuit. Dear god.
Now I feel like we've been in the car for an hour, so I ask where we're going for lunch. He mentions he has to drive to Andersonville (about 20+ mins) to drop something off for a friend, and asks if I mind. Mind? We've already been in the car for 15 minutes, so I agree. Then he goes on to say that his friend is a huge pothead and we're returning the bowl she left in his car. Perfect.
After the drop-off, "Big E" promptly finds the cheapest looking place around since he's in the mood for a burger. As we sit across from each other, I'm lulled into a trance by the flashing metal until I hear him say, "Look- I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I have a really big dick." I ask him to repeat himself, b/c I'm sure no guy would say this on a first date and I must have misunderstood. I didn't. I have no idea why this is relevant before we've even kissed, or gotten our coffee/water/coke, for that matter. But it's important b/c he's telling me a story about messing around with a virgin who was hot & cold, and that ultimately it couldn't happen b/c of... um... fit issues. Excellent brunch conversation, where's my grandma when I need her?
Oh, she would have loved the part when he mentioned trying to roofie me so we could mess around after lunch. Clearly I'm dying to get out of there, but on our way home - just to make one final impression - "Big E" decides to do his post-meal oral hygiene routine in the car, right next to me. I don't know what all happened, I squeezed my eyes shut, closed my mouth & turned my head away until he was done. Guess he was hoping to make out when he dropped me off, which I shut down pretty quickly. Didn't stop him from trying - awkwardly, in front of my neighbors who were sitting on our shared stairs - but I finally got him off my sidewalk. Didn't stop getting text messages for about a month, though.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thursday, October 16, 2008
lori, michigan
Circa 2004 I met a very hunky, ex-hockey player (Jason) at a Halloween party. My friend and I ended up accomping his party (he had rented a SUV Limo) and we went into the Detroit afterhours underworld. WOW - he was hot and completely doated on me.
The following Tuesday he called and properly asked me out. He knew of a nice place in Dearborn that had supposedly GREAT food. He showed up in a suit - so I had high hopes that he might be a keeper.
He opened the car door for me, kissed me on the cheek, and conversation flowed smoothly until we arrived.
We had pulled up to the valet of the "Toy Chest" - A strip club. I asked "Are you serious", and he again told me yes, it is a strip joint, but the food is awesome.
Whatever, I had never been to a strip club so what the hell. We walked in, and he was swarmed by the ladies (aparently he knew them all). We were seated, given menus, and ordered drinks. The menu consisted of appetizers......I continuously remind myself that this is an experience.
We got some of the overpriced appetizers, and more drinks. Then some of the "ladies" joined us, and he bought them some drinks. He left for a long while (later I found out he was snorting coke as I was offered some). He returned, more ladies come over to say hi, and he got them drinks as well.
I am now completely bored. The strip club was D class. My hopes of a fabulous date are over. The check comes................oh wouldn't you know................he forgot his credit cards and only has a $20. The bill was $160ish. He asked if I could cover it, and he promised to pay me back. but never did.
The following Tuesday he called and properly asked me out. He knew of a nice place in Dearborn that had supposedly GREAT food. He showed up in a suit - so I had high hopes that he might be a keeper.
He opened the car door for me, kissed me on the cheek, and conversation flowed smoothly until we arrived.
We had pulled up to the valet of the "Toy Chest" - A strip club. I asked "Are you serious", and he again told me yes, it is a strip joint, but the food is awesome.
Whatever, I had never been to a strip club so what the hell. We walked in, and he was swarmed by the ladies (aparently he knew them all). We were seated, given menus, and ordered drinks. The menu consisted of appetizers......I continuously remind myself that this is an experience.
We got some of the overpriced appetizers, and more drinks. Then some of the "ladies" joined us, and he bought them some drinks. He left for a long while (later I found out he was snorting coke as I was offered some). He returned, more ladies come over to say hi, and he got them drinks as well.
I am now completely bored. The strip club was D class. My hopes of a fabulous date are over. The check comes................oh wouldn't you know................he forgot his credit cards and only has a $20. The bill was $160ish. He asked if I could cover it, and he promised to pay me back. but never did.
joe, seattle
A few years ago, while living in NYC, I meet this girl at a bar. She seems pretty nice, good looking and smart. We go out a few times and on the second date, wind up getting pretty trashed and sleeping together. I barely remember what happened except for her telling me she had "The greatest date ever!" This is no joke - I toot my horn often but not here - blackout city. Two bottles of wine at dinner, followed by drinks at some dive bar in the East Village.
We go on a few more dates but no ass. The interesting thing I am starting to pick up is that she never, ever pays or even offers to pay. But my chivalry blinds me to this and I honestly don't mind so I let it pass.
So on a rainy Friday afternoon, she decides to invite herself to my summer house ("Uh, I'd love to get away this weekend - don't you have a house on the beach somewhere?"). I reluctantly say yes - she is beginning to bore me and talks and talks about nothing in particular. I'm working in the city until 5 and she's coming in from CT so we decide to meet at her sister's place in Brooklyn. She makes me wait for 30 mins on a pitch dark street in bushwick. She gets in, I am visibly annoyed, so she clams up for the rest of the drive (about 2 hours in a downpour).
We finally get into town around 8:30, I let her know that most places here close early (we were out eastern LI in the winter) so let's just grab something and bring it back to my house. She's adamant that all she wants is to, "Sit down at a nice restaurant and enjoy dinner." - at which point I let her know that I don't have a lot of cash on me (this was my feeble attempt to see if she would ever pull out her wallet) – she says no problem she can pay for her half. So we walk into this tiny sushi place, empty save for one other couple paying their check. I've worked in the service industry before so I know how annoying it is to keep an entire restaurant open for one couple.
Cognizant that we were most definitely the last people in the joint, I scarf down my food, guzzle my beer and sit there, patiently waiting. She takes her sweet-ass time. Sipping her beer, nibbling at her food – all the while, the wait staff are stacking chairs around us!! I see about 3 waiters at the kitchen door – all arms folded, waiting. I've been there before and am irate at the situation I have been forced into. She finally finishes her beer, we've had the check now for about 20 minutes and get this – she says she HAS NO CASH!
Slyly she asks me to pay and we'll go to an ATM across the way right after. Fine, I just want to get the hell out of this restaurant and never step foot in that place again. We head over to the ATM, she gets out her cash, I hold out my hand like a peddler and she walks right by! Unreal, right? It gets better. Now she wants a nightcap – we head over to a nearby bar, where she proceeds to order this froofy, expensive drink. She makes it point to order first and walks away (seems like she's done this before). I stare her down and order my beer – when the bartender tells me how much it is, I let her know. She turns around abruptly and says,
"I don't have any cash."
I say, "What do you mean? You just took money out at the ATM."
"Oh, that's for tomorrow – I have big plans."
"Well, I don't have any more cash, so I can't get this."
"Can't you use your credit card?"
"Uh, no."
At this point, as you can probably imagine, I am ENRAGED. I chug my beer and wait. She finishes, we go back to my place and all the sex I thought we were gonna have is thrown out the window. I throw her a pillow and let her know where the guest room is. Before she can say anything (she started to) I walk upstairs and shut the bedroom door – sans any type of "goodnight."
The next morning was funny – very awkward, very cold. The first thing I ask is what time her train is departing. She says something like "I thought you said you were driving me home?" I'm very dismissive about all this and mutter something basically letting her know that I may have said that last night but am not feeling well so I can just take you to the train station. We get in the car and now she's begging for me to stop so she can get a coffee and a bagel, "My stomach really hurts, all I want is some food." I tell her it's Sat and that all the deli's are closed (a blatant lie as we pass 3 or 4 deli's with neon OPEN signs!). She calls out a few of them as I fly by at 40 mph – "Oh no, that's not open." Ha ha…..anyway, I break down right in front of the train station, she runs in to get her food and drive her to the LIRR. She gets out of the car and as appears to say something but I didn't stay to listen. Mid-sentence, I reach over, close the door and drive off!
We go on a few more dates but no ass. The interesting thing I am starting to pick up is that she never, ever pays or even offers to pay. But my chivalry blinds me to this and I honestly don't mind so I let it pass.
So on a rainy Friday afternoon, she decides to invite herself to my summer house ("Uh, I'd love to get away this weekend - don't you have a house on the beach somewhere?"). I reluctantly say yes - she is beginning to bore me and talks and talks about nothing in particular. I'm working in the city until 5 and she's coming in from CT so we decide to meet at her sister's place in Brooklyn. She makes me wait for 30 mins on a pitch dark street in bushwick. She gets in, I am visibly annoyed, so she clams up for the rest of the drive (about 2 hours in a downpour).
We finally get into town around 8:30, I let her know that most places here close early (we were out eastern LI in the winter) so let's just grab something and bring it back to my house. She's adamant that all she wants is to, "Sit down at a nice restaurant and enjoy dinner." - at which point I let her know that I don't have a lot of cash on me (this was my feeble attempt to see if she would ever pull out her wallet) – she says no problem she can pay for her half. So we walk into this tiny sushi place, empty save for one other couple paying their check. I've worked in the service industry before so I know how annoying it is to keep an entire restaurant open for one couple.
Cognizant that we were most definitely the last people in the joint, I scarf down my food, guzzle my beer and sit there, patiently waiting. She takes her sweet-ass time. Sipping her beer, nibbling at her food – all the while, the wait staff are stacking chairs around us!! I see about 3 waiters at the kitchen door – all arms folded, waiting. I've been there before and am irate at the situation I have been forced into. She finally finishes her beer, we've had the check now for about 20 minutes and get this – she says she HAS NO CASH!
Slyly she asks me to pay and we'll go to an ATM across the way right after. Fine, I just want to get the hell out of this restaurant and never step foot in that place again. We head over to the ATM, she gets out her cash, I hold out my hand like a peddler and she walks right by! Unreal, right? It gets better. Now she wants a nightcap – we head over to a nearby bar, where she proceeds to order this froofy, expensive drink. She makes it point to order first and walks away (seems like she's done this before). I stare her down and order my beer – when the bartender tells me how much it is, I let her know. She turns around abruptly and says,
"I don't have any cash."
I say, "What do you mean? You just took money out at the ATM."
"Oh, that's for tomorrow – I have big plans."
"Well, I don't have any more cash, so I can't get this."
"Can't you use your credit card?"
"Uh, no."
At this point, as you can probably imagine, I am ENRAGED. I chug my beer and wait. She finishes, we go back to my place and all the sex I thought we were gonna have is thrown out the window. I throw her a pillow and let her know where the guest room is. Before she can say anything (she started to) I walk upstairs and shut the bedroom door – sans any type of "goodnight."
The next morning was funny – very awkward, very cold. The first thing I ask is what time her train is departing. She says something like "I thought you said you were driving me home?" I'm very dismissive about all this and mutter something basically letting her know that I may have said that last night but am not feeling well so I can just take you to the train station. We get in the car and now she's begging for me to stop so she can get a coffee and a bagel, "My stomach really hurts, all I want is some food." I tell her it's Sat and that all the deli's are closed (a blatant lie as we pass 3 or 4 deli's with neon OPEN signs!). She calls out a few of them as I fly by at 40 mph – "Oh no, that's not open." Ha ha…..anyway, I break down right in front of the train station, she runs in to get her food and drive her to the LIRR. She gets out of the car and as appears to say something but I didn't stay to listen. Mid-sentence, I reach over, close the door and drive off!
shila shila
shila shila from it's nucking futs
Memphis/1998/2-day outdoor music fest...
This was my 3rd or 4th date with a radio DJ. He was a bit of a rock-star-whore (always wanting to meet/hang-out/get autographs with musicians). His shift was 8pm-midnight. He asked me to spend the weekend with him. I said that I would.
Friday afternoon/evening was super-cool. Good music! Good drinks! Good times! He hosted his radio show live from the music fest. By the time the last band finished playing, it was almost 2am.
I *assumed* that we would leave at this point. But he said he wasn't going to leave bc he wanted to hang out with some of the musicians instead. He didn't have a backstage pass, so, he was just going to loiter until he saw someone. I tried to talk him into leaving, but it was useless. I was kinda upset bc I rode there with him, and now I felt stranded.
At some point, the fairgrounds told us that we had to get off the property. BUT, he still didn't want to go home and miss an opportunity to possibly meet a musician, so, he said we were going to hang-out on the public streets outside of the fairgrounds. Yes, I was really pissed-off now! We're in downtown Memphis at 3am!!!! It was dark and dirty and scary. If I had seen a cab, I would've flagged one down. If I had a cell phone, I would've called someone to come and get me! If I wasn't too d*mn scared to be by myself, I would've left on my own!!!!
So, I sat down on the streets and whined and pouted and cried. Yes, I did. I tried to tell him that it was too late to meet anyone that night, but he wasn't convinced. He said he also wanted to meet the ones that might show up very early for Saturday's shows too.
I was exhausted, so I did my best to prop myself up against a building and almost (but not quite) fell asleep a few times. It rained softly, so I was soaked and cold. And except for the 2 homeless guys I could see a couple blocks away, the streets were empty.
:o(
When downtown started waking up that morning, and people were finally showing up again and I was no longer scared to be by myself, I told him never to call me again, I left, and I called a cab to come get me and take me home.
Later, I listened to his radio show that night to see if he says anything about our "adventure". Well, he DID. And, he totally slammed ME!!! He identified me, described me as a b*tch, and totally ratted-me-out for everyone in town to hear. He made-up a bunch of stuff that made me sound like a very horrible person too. I was absolutely mortified.
Memphis/1998/2-day outdoor music fest...
This was my 3rd or 4th date with a radio DJ. He was a bit of a rock-star-whore (always wanting to meet/hang-out/get autographs with musicians). His shift was 8pm-midnight. He asked me to spend the weekend with him. I said that I would.
Friday afternoon/evening was super-cool. Good music! Good drinks! Good times! He hosted his radio show live from the music fest. By the time the last band finished playing, it was almost 2am.
I *assumed* that we would leave at this point. But he said he wasn't going to leave bc he wanted to hang out with some of the musicians instead. He didn't have a backstage pass, so, he was just going to loiter until he saw someone. I tried to talk him into leaving, but it was useless. I was kinda upset bc I rode there with him, and now I felt stranded.
At some point, the fairgrounds told us that we had to get off the property. BUT, he still didn't want to go home and miss an opportunity to possibly meet a musician, so, he said we were going to hang-out on the public streets outside of the fairgrounds. Yes, I was really pissed-off now! We're in downtown Memphis at 3am!!!! It was dark and dirty and scary. If I had seen a cab, I would've flagged one down. If I had a cell phone, I would've called someone to come and get me! If I wasn't too d*mn scared to be by myself, I would've left on my own!!!!
So, I sat down on the streets and whined and pouted and cried. Yes, I did. I tried to tell him that it was too late to meet anyone that night, but he wasn't convinced. He said he also wanted to meet the ones that might show up very early for Saturday's shows too.
I was exhausted, so I did my best to prop myself up against a building and almost (but not quite) fell asleep a few times. It rained softly, so I was soaked and cold. And except for the 2 homeless guys I could see a couple blocks away, the streets were empty.
:o(
When downtown started waking up that morning, and people were finally showing up again and I was no longer scared to be by myself, I told him never to call me again, I left, and I called a cab to come get me and take me home.
Later, I listened to his radio show that night to see if he says anything about our "adventure". Well, he DID. And, he totally slammed ME!!! He identified me, described me as a b*tch, and totally ratted-me-out for everyone in town to hear. He made-up a bunch of stuff that made me sound like a very horrible person too. I was absolutely mortified.
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