So I met John (can't really remember his name) while I was working at a contractor work event.
He basically chatted about my product and was trying to get free tools from me. He took my card and left in his truck.
Over the next few days he would call with stupid questions about building shit that I am pretty sure he already knew the answer to then would sneak in a personal question.
Are you single?
How old are you?
At this point he asks me out and I cannot remember what he looks like except he is tall.
I say yes, guessing he is mid 30s, he had on sunglasses when we met. We agreed to go out on a Tuesday and he going to pick me up. He shows up, I am wearing a standard 1st date outfit jeans, heels cute top. He is wearing stonewashed tapered jeans and a heather gray Harley Davidson t-shirt. He also is driving a hummer, not the cute H2 kind but the early 90s Terminator style with an American flag on the antenna.
This is looking bad. So we go to a pretty fun restaurant down town and based on the conversation and the stories about what he has done over the years, 19 year old daughter, 15 years with the CIA. I am guessing he is way older than I think. And he is missing 3 fingers on his left hand, they were shot off in an incident. I refuse to ask how old he is even though he keeps telling me how young at heart he is. He was 45 and I was 23 age is only a number, so he said. Stop dating your daughter perv. Dinner ends I'm drunk and uncomfortable. We go for drinks at a the romantic top of the hub. I order vodka and he orders a white Russian. Now John tells me he would like to see more of my chest. I order another drink and ignore him. Next he asks if he can smell me. I now mock him but he keeps asking.
On the way home his hummer breaks down on the highway and we are causing quite the traffic back up. Miraculously he has the appropriate car part and fixes it in the middle of the road. Quite the man's man. When he is done and stinking of car, he sneak leans in and takes a giant sniff of my neck, and make a gross smiley sex face. I think to myself thank god this is almost over. We get to my apt and it time to end this mess, we say our pleasantries.
No kiss goodnight I tripped out of the fuckin hummer and ran for the door. He called and said the "ball was in my court" and not to worry about our age difference. Yes creeper the ball is in my court. I told him I was OK with his age but the body sniffing was my limit.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
D.L., nyc
First blind date in New York...with a nice Greek boy arranged by a relative.
He picked me up from work and we went to a local restaurant but rather than sit at a table, we stayed at the bar. Thirty minutes into the conversation, I desperately wanted to leave as he was about as exciting as wallpaper but being new to NYC and a polite Midwesterner, I stayed. After an hour, he asked if he could take off his jacket (it was August), placed it on the back of the chair and then stuck his arms straight up in the air and proceeded to tell me that 'he'd worn the shirt without the yellow stains just for me'.
I was stunned but still couldn't get up and leave. Out of principal, I wouldn't sit at table with him.
Four long hours later, we left. Two days later, he called my office to arrange another date and a colleague answered the phone. He told him never to call me again. Ugh.
He picked me up from work and we went to a local restaurant but rather than sit at a table, we stayed at the bar. Thirty minutes into the conversation, I desperately wanted to leave as he was about as exciting as wallpaper but being new to NYC and a polite Midwesterner, I stayed. After an hour, he asked if he could take off his jacket (it was August), placed it on the back of the chair and then stuck his arms straight up in the air and proceeded to tell me that 'he'd worn the shirt without the yellow stains just for me'.
I was stunned but still couldn't get up and leave. Out of principal, I wouldn't sit at table with him.
Four long hours later, we left. Two days later, he called my office to arrange another date and a colleague answered the phone. He told him never to call me again. Ugh.
J.R., Chicago
This wholesome boy-next-door story starts right where it should, in a dark bar in Chicago.
I was out with some girlfriends visiting from out of town, we had each drunk our body weight in vodka, and we started talking to these guys. There was one who was tall, cute, and funny as hell- we'll call him "Big E".
When I decided to leave, "Big E" offered to split a cab to make sure I got home. Figuring it was a ploy but down to make out anyway, I said sure. When we got to my place, "Big E" doesn't get out of the cab or try to make a move- instead asks me if I'd go to lunch with him the next day. I was annoyed he didn't want to make out and I figured it was a blow-off, so I gave him my number & said whatever.
Alas, the next day, he calls and asks if I'm still in for lunch. It was a gorgeous day, I was starving, and I still had all of my makeup on from the night before (don't judge me- and for the record, it still looked pretty good!) so I said why not.
"Big E" picks me up in some sort of death trap, still in his clothes from the night before. He is wearing flip flops and starts scratching his foot vigorously- which is problematic, since I hate other people's feet. Even more so when they apparently have a fungus. Then as "Big E" is driving & I'm checking him out to see how thick the vodka goggles had been the night before, I realize... he has braces! Not invisalign, old school metal mouth. Wow. Didn't see that coming at all.
At this point, I'm locked in for a meal, so try to make the most of it. I make small talk, asking what he does for a living. Response: Union Pipe Fitter. ?? I don't even know what that means, but I don't have much time to ponder as he follows with the doozy that he is only doing that until he breaks through on the competitive BMX racing circuit. Dear god.
Now I feel like we've been in the car for an hour, so I ask where we're going for lunch. He mentions he has to drive to Andersonville (about 20+ mins) to drop something off for a friend, and asks if I mind. Mind? We've already been in the car for 15 minutes, so I agree. Then he goes on to say that his friend is a huge pothead and we're returning the bowl she left in his car. Perfect.
After the drop-off, "Big E" promptly finds the cheapest looking place around since he's in the mood for a burger. As we sit across from each other, I'm lulled into a trance by the flashing metal until I hear him say, "Look- I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I have a really big dick." I ask him to repeat himself, b/c I'm sure no guy would say this on a first date and I must have misunderstood. I didn't. I have no idea why this is relevant before we've even kissed, or gotten our coffee/water/coke, for that matter. But it's important b/c he's telling me a story about messing around with a virgin who was hot & cold, and that ultimately it couldn't happen b/c of... um... fit issues. Excellent brunch conversation, where's my grandma when I need her?
Oh, she would have loved the part when he mentioned trying to roofie me so we could mess around after lunch. Clearly I'm dying to get out of there, but on our way home - just to make one final impression - "Big E" decides to do his post-meal oral hygiene routine in the car, right next to me. I don't know what all happened, I squeezed my eyes shut, closed my mouth & turned my head away until he was done. Guess he was hoping to make out when he dropped me off, which I shut down pretty quickly. Didn't stop him from trying - awkwardly, in front of my neighbors who were sitting on our shared stairs - but I finally got him off my sidewalk. Didn't stop getting text messages for about a month, though.
I was out with some girlfriends visiting from out of town, we had each drunk our body weight in vodka, and we started talking to these guys. There was one who was tall, cute, and funny as hell- we'll call him "Big E".
When I decided to leave, "Big E" offered to split a cab to make sure I got home. Figuring it was a ploy but down to make out anyway, I said sure. When we got to my place, "Big E" doesn't get out of the cab or try to make a move- instead asks me if I'd go to lunch with him the next day. I was annoyed he didn't want to make out and I figured it was a blow-off, so I gave him my number & said whatever.
Alas, the next day, he calls and asks if I'm still in for lunch. It was a gorgeous day, I was starving, and I still had all of my makeup on from the night before (don't judge me- and for the record, it still looked pretty good!) so I said why not.
"Big E" picks me up in some sort of death trap, still in his clothes from the night before. He is wearing flip flops and starts scratching his foot vigorously- which is problematic, since I hate other people's feet. Even more so when they apparently have a fungus. Then as "Big E" is driving & I'm checking him out to see how thick the vodka goggles had been the night before, I realize... he has braces! Not invisalign, old school metal mouth. Wow. Didn't see that coming at all.
At this point, I'm locked in for a meal, so try to make the most of it. I make small talk, asking what he does for a living. Response: Union Pipe Fitter. ?? I don't even know what that means, but I don't have much time to ponder as he follows with the doozy that he is only doing that until he breaks through on the competitive BMX racing circuit. Dear god.
Now I feel like we've been in the car for an hour, so I ask where we're going for lunch. He mentions he has to drive to Andersonville (about 20+ mins) to drop something off for a friend, and asks if I mind. Mind? We've already been in the car for 15 minutes, so I agree. Then he goes on to say that his friend is a huge pothead and we're returning the bowl she left in his car. Perfect.
After the drop-off, "Big E" promptly finds the cheapest looking place around since he's in the mood for a burger. As we sit across from each other, I'm lulled into a trance by the flashing metal until I hear him say, "Look- I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I have a really big dick." I ask him to repeat himself, b/c I'm sure no guy would say this on a first date and I must have misunderstood. I didn't. I have no idea why this is relevant before we've even kissed, or gotten our coffee/water/coke, for that matter. But it's important b/c he's telling me a story about messing around with a virgin who was hot & cold, and that ultimately it couldn't happen b/c of... um... fit issues. Excellent brunch conversation, where's my grandma when I need her?
Oh, she would have loved the part when he mentioned trying to roofie me so we could mess around after lunch. Clearly I'm dying to get out of there, but on our way home - just to make one final impression - "Big E" decides to do his post-meal oral hygiene routine in the car, right next to me. I don't know what all happened, I squeezed my eyes shut, closed my mouth & turned my head away until he was done. Guess he was hoping to make out when he dropped me off, which I shut down pretty quickly. Didn't stop him from trying - awkwardly, in front of my neighbors who were sitting on our shared stairs - but I finally got him off my sidewalk. Didn't stop getting text messages for about a month, though.
Friday, January 9, 2009
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